To heal

It has been eight weeks — eight weeks full of slowing down, confusion, guilt, shame, sadness, compassion, (lots of) support, (lots of) love, conversations, silence, company, and solitude — along with attempts to leave behind what is no longer working. This has been one of the most interesting journeys of my life so far, and I feel it will continue to be so.

I have to be honest: when I was about to post the previous piece [read here], I asked my coach for her opinion: “Hey, do you think this is something I can actually post?” Her response was something along the lines of, “This is very much you; I don’t see why not. But you don’t seem to share anything about your plan — how you will rest, recover, heal, move forward. What about that part?” And I told her, “I can’t, because I don’t know. I don’t know how I will rest; I don’t know what to do going forward. I have no idea. I’ll need to figure it out. Maybe at some point, I’ll come back and share what came up.”

So this post is to honor that promise.

In these last eight weeks, here is what I found — what worked and what didn’t:

Accepting that I needed to stop was the most difficult part

I don’t work all the time, but I do a lot of things all the time. Admitting and accepting that I couldn’t anymore was the first big step.

Realizing I don’t know how to rest was shocking

Funny enough, I think I had always seen rest as another “task” until one of my beautiful friends, Michael, asked one of his beautiful questions: “You seem to be doing all the time. How do you stop doing and start resting?” and I didn't have the answer.

Resting does not mean doing nothing

Confusing, right? I needed to ask myself, “What is resting for me? What does it look like?” Only then did I realize that I needed to change the energy I brought to some of the activities that help me relax. It was a shift from “another task to complete” to a “just being here and enjoying” mindset. I had to reconsider what self-care really meant.

Slowing down can be unpleasant — and that is okay

To my surprise, when I tried to do nothing (not even meditating), it became the most uncomfortable. Many difficult emotions came up, and I had to learn how to hold space for them — for myself — so I could process them. Not suppress, not mindlessly express, not escape, but process. Still learning, obviously.

There is a difference between burnout and boreout

I am no expert, but I’ve learned that many different reasons can lead someone into burnout. And boreout has a lot of overlapping symptoms even though the core causes are different. I noticed that one can be doing a lot, be very busy, and still feel purposeless and lost. Having burnout and boreout at the same time, coming up for different reasons in different areas of life, can be very confusing.

Relationships are key — and the one I have with myself is the most important

The power of loving, supportive, high-quality relationships is immeasurable — whether with friends, family, colleagues, etc. What makes a relationship high-quality is the combination of feeling safe and supported when things are difficult, and the degree to which those relationships can challenge you and show you your blind spots with compassion when there is space for change. And I believe that cultivating such a high-quality relationship with oneself is the most important of all.

Real conversations with real people (including myself) are better than having conersations in my head

No matter how difficult a conversation is, or how daunting facing reality or confronting a “what if” might feel, having the actual conversation and experiencing the reality proved to be the key to resolving, letting go, and moving on. Sometimes it meant talking to the person instead of talking to them in my head. And sometimes it meant sitting down and really looking at what was going on inside me — and having a conversation with myself. That taught me that there are ways to sit down and have a real conversation with oneself instead of ruminating, replaying past events, or creating future scenarios.

To make this practical, here are some things that helped me a lot: slow walks, movement, spa days, journaling, therapy, sitting on the beach and looking at the ocean, listening to live music, dancing alone, dancing with friends, cooking, being lazy and not cooking, lots of sleeping, picking up little hobbies or projects that do not feel overwhelming, being in the presence of loving people, real conversations, powerful questions, curiosity, and compassion.

And here are some things that didn’t help so much: avoidance, distraction, rushing, negative self-talk, drinking, smoking, “pushing” myself, and trying to please others.

At the end of the day, it feels like life is about balance — emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, environmental, and social. The balance between and within these elements. And as long as I am alive, the journey continues.